Why Leggy Doesn't Smile
by Alaina
Summary: Ever wonder why Legolas doesn't smile once throughout Lord of the Rings (FotR, NOT the extended version)? This is why. Reposted, with a higher rating. Please, if you still think it's too low, let me know.
1. Legolas

I was being stupid and not paying attention, and didn't realize that the stuff I was writing was far above the rating I had it set at. I've moved it higher and (finally) gotten around to reposting it. Please, if you still think the rating's too low, let me know and I'll change it immediately.  
  
I was watching Lord of the Rings (FOTR) one day for the umpteenth time when I realized Legolas doesn't smile throughout the entire movie. So I watched it again, actually counted his lines (I could recite them right now, if you wanted me too) and realized he only had sixteen. And voila! The idea for this fic was born. Obviously it only applies to Fellowship of the ring, and the original version at that (he has more lines in the extended version.) But yeah. I wrote it on the nine-hour train ride from my grandparent's house. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Legolas says hi!  
  
Sixteen lines. Sixteen measly lines. That's it. No wonder I don't smile. How am I supposed to smile when I only have sixteen lines? In a three hour movie! Boromir has more lines that that and he DIES. And they're not even good lines that you can laugh at. Oh no. That would be too much. Nope, I LABEL things.  
  
"He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn."  
  
"Crebain from Dunland!"  
  
"Goblins!"  
  
"Orcs!"  
  
"A lament for Gandalf."  
  
"The horn of Gondor!"  
  
And when I'm not labeling things, I'm being overly dramatic.  
  
"We must move on. We cannot linger." I mean, you can just hear the usher-in-the-evil music in the background.  
  
Oh, and of course we can't forget, "It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can sense it." Actually, I kind of like that one. But the point is, my role sucks. I need more lines.  
  
I don't even get a mandatory love interest. Aragorn gets one. Why shouldn't I? I mean, sure he's the (future) king of Gondor, but so what? I 'm an elf. I'LL live forever. When his great great great to the power of 25 billion grandchild dies, I'll still be alive. And, quite frankly, he stinks. No, literally, he stinks. So why does he get all the women? Even Eowyn and Faramir fall in love, and they're secondary characters! I mean, yeah, she tried to steal Aragorn from Arwen and I don't want either of them- they can have each other. But that's not the point. I want a love interest. (If anyone so much as mentions Gimli, I swear I will shoot an arrow up your ass. Actually, I don't want ANY member of the fellowship. But especially not Gimli. Yuck.) Everyone else in the fellowship gets one. (I would also at this time like to ask that you please refrain from overwhelming responses clamoring to be my love interest. Thank you, but I prefer elves. And if you tell me you're an elf, or even partially one, then you're delusional, which I also do not find a turn on. Now watch half the population of rabid fangirls faint and drown in their drool at the thought of Legolas and turn on.)  
  
Well okay. So maybe Aragorn and Sam are the only fellowship members with love interests you actually see/read/know of. But the rest of them get them eventually. You know, except for Frodo. But he goes to the Undying Lands. And he's not even an elf. And Sam gets to go later. No that I'm suggesting anything or anything. Oh yeah, and Boromir doesn't get a love interest. But he's DEAD, so it doesn't matter. And Gandalf. But he's a wizard and......... well......... yeah. Oh, and Gimli. We're not even going there. Besides, he gets to go to the Undying Lands too. And he's not and elf either. Like any elf would ever be that hideous. (Once again, as a safe reminder, I leave you with the mental image of an arrow rammed up your ass. Have a nice day.)  
  
Okay, so maybe it's actually less than half of the fellowship who end up with a love interest. But you know what? It's STILL not fair. Because I'm en elf, and I'm more beautiful than all of them. And besides, THEY all have more than sixteen lines. Oh shut up. Just shut up. 


	2. Boromir

Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the characters. I do, however, own the song. Really! I made it up myself.  
  
My life sucks. Of course, you know, it's not much of a life. Because, you know, I DIE. How unfair is that? Everyone else gets to live through until at least the third movie. But oh no, not me. I DIE. Before the end of the FIRST movie.  
  
I mean yeah, sure, I tried to take the ring from Frodo. Minor details. Surely I didn't have to DIE to repent for my actions. Isn't that a bit harsh? In the books I didn't die until the second one. Yeah, it was the beginning of it, but the second one nonetheless. But they must have gotten bored of me in the movies or something, because they killed me off far too early.  
  
I get absolutely nothing for my troubles. I died to save Merry and Pippin, and how do they repay me? Gee, well, let's see......... Pippin named his son after my BROTHER! And as for Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn. They threw me over a waterfall and forgot about me. Legolas and Aragorn didn't even sing a song for me like they were supposed to. Nope, they were too busy chasing off after the hobbits to save their lives. They're alive. They'll wait.  
  
My death wasn't even particularly noble. I became a bloody pincushion. People laughed! I heard them. How rude, and on my deathbed too. I tried to make it a bit better by being heart wrenching while I was speaking my last words. But it's pretty hard to be heart wrenching when you've got three arrows sticking out of your chest. It sounds like a bad country song. "You've made a pincushion out of my heart........."  
  
And everyone thinks they're SOOO much better than me.  
  
"Oh silly Boromir, we can't use the ring."  
  
"Oh, it's just Boromir, the weak-minded fool."  
  
"Boromir, stop trying to rape Frodo! Oh, wait. He's just trying to steal the ring again"  
  
Stupid ponces think they're so great because they don't DIE. 


	3. Aragorn

And on with the story.  
  
I don't get why everyone is so against Arwen and me. Take that stupid elf for example. I mean, Legolas calls himself my best friend, and then goes and tells Elrond about us. I mean, come on. You didn't think I'D tell him, did you? I kind of ENJOY living.  
  
So now Elrond's out to kill me. And oh BOY, you do NOT want to see my foster father when he's really mad. Well, I actually can't technically call him my foster father anymore. He kind of......... you know......... disowned me. As if it's my fault his daughter is completely gorgeous, and I want to.........  
  
NO I AM NOT GOING TO FINISH THAT THOUGHT.  
  
Bloody elvish hearing.  
  
So that stupid Legolas had to go and tell on me. He seemed to find it greatly amusing that I nearly pissed my pants when Elrond cornered me after the council. Well, the joke's on him. He's had all his best lines removed from the movie. And I'm the leader of the fellowship. Well, you know, at least after Gandalf dies. Or at least, after we think he's dead.  
  
Come to think of it, I don't think I get enough respect among the fellowship members.  
  
First of all, there's Gandalf, who insists upon leading us even though I'M going to be the great King of Men. I mean, sure, he's all wise and an Istari and stuff. But he's OLD. I mean REALLY old. He's been alive for 300 years of men. And he looks it too!  
  
Then there's Boromir. He's all mad because I'm going to take over MY position in MY kingdom. It's not my fault his father is only the steward, and that I'm his superior. I don't see why he has to take it out on me. And when I'm leading the group (at least after Gandalf dies. And up till then I'm second in command), he shouldn't start picking fights with me over how to WASH the CLOTHES.  
  
Next there's Legolas. He's absolutely terrible. But we won't get into that, because he knows tons more things he could blackmail me with. Like that time I stole a maiden's robes to dress up like a girl and he walked in on me with the twins and......... I did not just say that. Tell me I did not just give that away.  
  
After that is Gimli. He's alright I guess. Actually, come to think of it, he doesn't talk much. I haven't seen him for awhile either. I think I might have squished him with my shoe.  
  
Last, and least too, are the hobbits. With the exception of Frodo, they all STILL call me Strider, despite how many times I've told them to call me 'Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the future and greatest ever king of men' or at the very least, 'Aragorn'. And all they do is eat. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. And whine. And Frodo has that creepy thing going on with the ring. I'm kind of afraid of him.  
  
At any rate, I don't see why everyone's gotten so angry with me. They all think Arwen's so innocent just because she's pretty and stuff. I'll have you know it was HER idea to-  
  
NO ELROND, WE WOULD NEVER, EVER COMMIT SUCH A HORRENDOUS, ABOMINABLE, DEPLORABLE, GHASTLY, NASTY, OFFENSIVE, RAUNCHY, SHOCKING, UNPLEASANT ACT. NO NOT EVER.  
  
I mean, she can't be THAT innocent. After all, she stole Glorfindel's part, not to mention his horse.  
  
NO DARLING, I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT YOU STOLE ANYTHING. I KNOW THAT PART RIGHTLY BELONGS TO YOU.  
  
NO ELROND, OF COURSE I DIDN'T REFER TO HER AS DARLING.  
  
YES LOVE, OF COURSE I LOVE YOU, I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.  
  
I MEAN, YES, I DID MEAN SOMETHING BY IT ELROND. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.  
  
NO POOKY, I WAS ONLY KIDDING. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.  
  
NO ELROND, I DON'T FIND THAT FUNNY, REALLY. I WASN'T MAKING A FACEIOUS JOKE. I FULLY REALIZE THAT ARWEN IS GIVING UP HER IMMORTAL LIFE FOR ME.  
  
NO ARWEN, I DO LOVE YOU, AND I DO APPRECIATE YOU DOING THIS.  
  
NO ELROND, I DO NOT COMMEND HER ACTIONS.  
  
I'M SORRY!! TO BOTH OF YOU! REALLY! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.  
  
Excuse me while I run away very far and very fast. 


	4. Gimli

Why does everyone hate me? I mean really. It's not my fault that I'm short and ugly and hairy and smelly. The hobbits are short and hairy, but everyone thinks they're cute. Not me though. I'm just stupid Gimli. Especially that poncy elf. He thinks he's all high and mighty......... well, he is rather high. But everyone is, compared to me. Except, of course, the hobbits.  
  
I'm so under-appreciated. It's becoming ridiculous. If I were to die, they'd be sorry. Hmm......... that's an idea. Maybe I should die. Well, not actually die, but pretend to. Then they'd see. They'd realize all I'd done for them, and they'd see.  
  
For example, who was the first one to notice the crebain? Aside from Legolas. He's an elf. Extended eyesight. True, I wrote it off as a wisp of cloud, but still.  
  
And on the mountain. Well, I didn't really do much on Caradhras. But I did suggest going through the mines. Although then again, that did backfire somewhat, as it ended in Gandalf's demise.  
  
But in Lorien! I tried to warn everyone about the elves there. Nobody listened, but I tried. Of course I was wrong, and the elves were very nice and helpful (not like SOME I could mention) and Galadriel was actually very, very beautiful.  
  
Well, after that Legolas was nicer to me. And I killed several orcs. Not before Boromir died though.  
  
Maybe I SHOULD kill myself. Oh bloody hell. There's a sequel. Damn. And a sequel to that one. Double damn. Ah well, maybe things will brighten up when we reach Mordor......... and maybe the hobbits will sprout wings, stop eating, and stop whining. 


	5. Frodo

Being the ringbearer is overrated. Really, it is. I mean sure, it looks easy in the movie. All that moron does is prance around with his MASSIVE BLUE eyes. But it's really a lot more difficult that that.  
  
For instance, do you have any idea what a pain in the arse that bloody ring is? It's always 'Frodo do this,' and 'Frodo do that.' 'Frodo, betray all your friends and take the rings to Mordor.' 'Frodo, rape Sam. You know you want to.'  
  
And no, I do NOT want to, thank you very much.  
  
And while I may be too cute and adorable and innocent for the ring to corrupt me for a very long time, I can't say the same for some of the other formerly living members of the fellowship whom shall remain nameless.  
  
This nameless person got bloody annoying. He kept trying to steal the ring. Or maybe he was trying to rape me. I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't really matter, as he's dead. But still. He kept trying to convince me that the ring was useful, helpful, would save the city of Gondor.  
  
Right. Like the great elven lords would want to destroy something helpful.  
  
Boro-I mean, the nameless one, was annoying. I'm glad he's dead.  
  
I hate to go leave my friends because of that bloody ring. I mean, Denethor thinks he has no friends? Look at me. I ran away. Except for Sam. HE came with me. And then I had to deal with the ring trying to coerce me into raping him. And then there's Gollum. Because of the ring, I had to deal with HIM following me around and being all, "Ooooh, master, master! Precious, precious!" Wish he'd fall off a cliff.  
  
Being the ringbearer sucks bum. 


	6. Sam

I do, with all my heart, believe that Sam is the real main character. If you don't believe me then suck it up and please, please keep reading. I love you all! Don't give up on me.  
  
Mister Frodo thinks he has difficulties being the ringbearer? He hasn't seen anything. He should try being companion to the ringbearer. There's no end of troubles there.  
  
First of all, I do all the work. Mister Frodo's gone and half lost his mind, so I have to be suspicious for the two of us. And I have to make sure that Mister Frodo gets enough to eat, and Mister Frodo gets enough to drink, and Mister Frodo gets enough sleep. In fact, I'm the real main character in the book. But do I get any respect? Oh no. I'm just "that other hobbit- you know, the one that went with Frodo?" They even tried to send me away in the movie. As if I'd give up that easy. But I don't get so much as a thank you out of him. Well I tell you, Mister Frodo can take his 'Mister' and shove it up his-  
  
Ahem, sorry about that.  
  
Then I have to fend off all of Mister Frodo's advances. Do you know he'll even come on to me in his sleep? And that's when I'm lucky. Mostly he'll just try to rape me. With all due respect to him of course, he truly must be mad. I could never even consider something like that with my Rosie waiting back home. I wouldn't even consider that with a hobbit lass.  
  
There are times when I think I should have stayed with Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and Pippin. They must be having a far easier time of it. 


	7. Merry

I don't get any of the respect I deserve. I don't even know why I bothered coming along. Half the time people don't even know which one I am. It's always Merry-and-Pippin, Pippin-and-Merry. I don't have my own identity. Even when we go our separate ways, people still have difficulty remembering which one I am.  
  
And Pippin can be such a pain in the a.........vacado. Granted, he's still young and hasn't reached his coming of age yet, but there are times when I'd like to march right back to Rivendell and smack Elrond. He must have been mad to let Pippin come along. Just what do the elves put in their lembas anyhow?  
  
But Pippin's always getting into trouble. Stealing food (I tried to stop him, honest), pulling pranks, dropping dwarf skeletons down wells in abandoned mines- you name it, he's done it. And I'm supposed to keep him in check? That's not POSSIBLE.  
  
Then there's Boromir. That man truly worries me sometimes. His brother must be taking all the action at home, or something, because he's dying for a shag. Not literally, of course. Pippin and I didn't lead him to the orcs because he was trying to get us into his trousers, honest. But he's tried to sleep with every member of the fellowship at least once. For three days Legolas followed us in the trees. Why else do you think he offered to share a boat with Gimli when we left Lorien? But Boromir was particularly persistent with us. He wouldn't let Pippin and I alone? Everyday it was, "How would you like to see the real horn of Gondor?" and, "Would you mind fetching the carrot from my trousers?"  
  
There are times when I really hate being Pippin......... Merry......... which one am I again? 


	8. Pippin

I am so sorry for not updating in so long. This has been the crappiest summer ever. And my computer died, and I've only had it back for a week.

888888888

You know, being in the fellowship wouldn't be half bad if Merry wasn't in it. It's not that I don't like him. I love him like a cousin! Actually, he is my cousin, but that's beside the point, which I seem to have forgotten... oh, right!

The point is, everyone always gets me confused with Merry. Mippin and Perry, Perry and Mippin... There! See what I mean? Even I do it. But I can't be my own person. I'm always being compared to Merry. Merry this, Merry that, Merry, Merry, Merry. How come Merry doesn't smoke so much? How come Merry doesn't hump my leg? Merry's not a fool of a Took. Well, of course not! Merry's a Brandybuck.

The truth is, Merry puts me up to most of it. It's true! The skeleton in Moria? All his fault. Alright, I did give into him. I've heard it before: if Merry jumped off Isenguard, would you do it too? But nobody understands what it's like to have him goading you on all the time. The Palantir was his fault too. He took it from Gandalf and asked me to hold on to it. And when I took it, he kept the cloth. He was jealous, because Théoden liked me more. So I got stuck pledging my allegiance to stupid Denethor instead. He is so _weird_.

I hate being Mippin... Perry... whoever.


	9. Gandalf

Nobody worry! All your characters will be used. I've even made a list, to make sure I forgot no one. Although I probably will, in which case, feel free to remind me.

GANDALF

Humph. I am superior to _ALL_! Buahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ahem. I apologize for that. Just a bit of wizard humor. I mean, when you've been around for three hundred lives of men, you have to amuse yourself somehow. I mean, it's pretty easy to get bored. And no, I am _not_ going senile, Mr. I'm-so-much-better-than-everyone-else-just-because-I'm-going-to-be-King-of-Gondor.

See, the thing is, (I've lowered my voice to a drastic whisper) everyone is plotting against me. It's true! But you can't let them know, that I know... okay? Because once they know that I know, they'll try harder. And I'll have to pretend that I don't know that they know that I know. Unless they already know that I know, and I don't know that they know that I know. Are you confused? I am too. But that's alright, I planned it that way. See, the more you confuse them, the harder it is for them to get you.

And boy, have they been trying. I mean, down in Moria? You think it was a coincidence that Gimli wanted to go through there? Come on, we all knew the dwarves were dead. And then we decide to leave it up to the ringbearer, and what does he pick? I know, I _said_ I was for the mines. But that was all an act. And I thought that Legolas was on my side, but it turns out _that_ was just an act. And claustrophobia.

(Harsh whisper) Sh-hh-hh. Shut up! They're coming.

(Fake cheerfulness) Hello, my darling Prince Legolas! How are you this fine afternoon? What's that... yes, I am quite aware that it's raining. Are you suggesting that I'm senile? Oh no, you'd never dream of saying such a thing? Yes, I'd bet. Alright, darling, you go off and speak with Aragorn...

Phew, that was close. I think he almost suspected something. Where was I? Ah, yes.

You should have seen the looks on the Lorien elves when I came back. Because their little plan hadn't worked, see? And they'd been working on this, for ages and ages, all of them. Ever since Elendil had refused to throw the ring into Mount Doom. That's when the conspiracy began. But I beat it! I beat them all! I've won!!! And now they have no reason to keep from traveling to Valinor!

Aragorn! Legolas! Have you been listening to my conversation, darlings? Why do I keep calling you darlings? Oh, um, it's a wizard thing. Yes. Sort of the way Frodo calls Sam 'son', you know? ...What do you mean you don't believe me? It's true! You can ask Saruman! Or Radagast! What's this pamphlet you're giving me? _ISENGUARD HOME FOR SENILE WIZARDS_?! I'm not going! I absolutely refuse! You can't make me!

...I say, dragging me is quite unfair. And you forget, I have magical wizard powers! HA! Ha h-

Oh... you have all the Lorien archers... with bows pointed at me... alright, that beats my magical wizard powers... for now! I'll be back! Just you wait and see! You'll never be rid of me!

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-

(Thoughts) Damn those gags...


	10. Bill

Special thanks to Purple Evenleaf, who pointed out that it was, in fact, Isildur, and not Elendil, who refused to throw the ring into Mount Doom. I did know that, I swear it. But for some reason I kept hearing Elrond yelling "Elendil!" instead of "Isildur!" And don't worry. Arwen is coming up soon.

BILL

You may or may not have heard of me. The name's Pony. Bill Pony. And I am a secret agent. The things I'm about to tell you have never before been heard by a mortal. Come to think of it, I don't think the elves have heard them either. Except maybe for Galadriel. She's crazy-smart.

Okay, I admit, I may be hyping up my role in the slightest. But what else is there to say? I'm just a pony, who gets dragged along to carry the fellowship's things, conveniently disappears on Caradhras, gets sent home at Moria, and was loved by a hobbit named Sam. Before that, I was owned by some creepy guy, who they didn't even bother with in the movie.

But I do know secrets. You'd be amazed what people will say when they don't think the pony can understand them. For instance, did you know that Sam is madly in love with Frodo? Okay, yeah, everyone knows that. That wasn't exactly juicy, was it?

Here, this one is better: Legolas, Mr. Beauty Queen himself, is deathly afraid of baths. It's true! He likes to swim, and he likes soap, but when you mix the water and the soap together, he'll run screaming.

And Gimli? When nobody's looking, he pretends he's a girl. He braids his hair, and talks in a high-pitched voice, and practices walking with grace. One night, he even cut of bits of Legolas' hair and made it into a wig. I don't know what was funnier. The fact that Legolas never noticed, or the look on his face when he found the wig.

Aragorn really digs men. He said when he met Arwen, he was at a confused stage in his life, and didn't really know who he was at that time. So he got really drunk one night, and swore his love to her, and now he can't get rid of her... it doesn't quite fit though, because I _know_ he and Legolas are shagging, and Legolas isn't exactly what you'd call a manly man.

Boromir slept with a frog. He caught it right after we left Rivendell. He named it George, and apparently it was his good luck charm, or something. Anyway, he was deathly afraid to lose it. He slept with it in his hand, and when we were moving he kept it in his sock. But then it got away on him, and he keeps swearing that he's going to die before his birthday. He's really nuts.

Gandalf is actually senile. I don't think he has the first clue what he's doing. I'm pretty sure that the only reason he has any clue wear he's going is that Aragorn is carefully giving him cleverly disguised, subtle hints. Actually, I'm beginning to think I should have warned someone about this. I don't think he's entirely safe. He's still convinced that he's some great wonderful wizard that can take on anything. He's going to get himself killed by a demon monster or something.

Frodo is really a blond. I saw him dying his hair one night. He said that it's not that he has anything against blonds; it's just that, well... we've all seen Legolas.

Merry and Pippin are actually the pre-reincarnations of famous people. Nobody knows. Late at night, they sit up and have these deep discussions about the future. Merry is going to be reincarnated as Nostradamus, and Pippin is actually Albert Einstein _and_ Shakespeare. They were the same person. Come on, you didn't believe that those two could actually be _that_ stupid? They're not wood elves.

I know things. If you ever need any information dug up, call me. Like I said, the name's Pony. Bill Pony.


End file.
